Did You Really Mean What I Thought You Meant?3/28/2009Have you ever had the experience of someone misunderstanding your behavior? Not long ago, in a conversation with a relative, I was astonished to learn that he had completely misinterpreted something I had done months before. He knows I try to do the right thing environmentally, and drive a small, fuel-efficient car. He had earlier bought an SUV, and I said nothing derogatory about that. He had explained his choice by saying that a large car, higher up off the ground, was more comfortable for him (he is a large person). On the occasion of the misinterpreted action, I was visiting him and his family, and we were all going out to dinner. There were two cars available to take us, a compact car and his SUV. Remembering that he had said he was uncomfortable getting into small cars low to the ground, and due to habit, I got into the compact car, so that he could ride in the SUV. I did this both going to the restaurant and returning. I thought nothing of it at the time, but recently he told me he thought I was expressing my disapproval of his SUV by refusing to ride in it! Similarly, Ajahn Brahm, a Western Buddhist monk trained in Thailand, made this point in a talk to several hundred people. Some years ago, when some scandals surfaced about sexual misconduct among monks in Thailand, Ajahn Brahm told his audience, “I have a confession to make. This is not easy . . . ” He hesitated. “I spent some of the happiest hours of my life . . .” Another pause. “ . . . in the loving arms of another man’s wife. We hugged, we caressed, we kissed.” He hung his head and stared at the carpet. He could hear gasps of shock all around, and saw hands covering mouths in disbelief: “Oh, no, not him!” After a pause for effect, Ajahn Brahm explained—have you guessed it?—that the woman was his mother, and it happened when he was a baby. She was another man’s wife—his father’s—and they did hug, caress, and kiss. The audience exploded in laughter and relief. He pointed out that even though they heard the words from his own mouth, and their meaning seemed clear, many in the audience had jumped to an entirely wrong conclusion. Misinterpretation can lead to anger, rejection, and despair. As practical peacemakers, we can be as clear as possible about our own behavior to reduce the possibility of mistaken interpretation by others. Knowing how easily false assumptions can be made, however, we also need to be careful not to jump to conclusions about the statements and actions of others. |